Same Sobriety Date....Different Stories
Same sobriety date. Completely different stories. Andrew and I sit down to talk about the paths that brought us here—and what life looks like on the other side. 🎙️🥊
Different paths. Same decision.
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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Can't Catch a Break. I'm your host, Reese, and I'm very happy and lucky to be having my friend Andrew on the podcast today. Say hi to everyone, Andrew.
SPEAKER_02Hi, everybody. Thanks for having me.
SPEAKER_00Me and Andrew, we've known each other for a little bit, and what bonded us was actually we had the same sobriety date, March 5th, which is that never happens. Yeah, don't think that's ever happened ever. Um tell us a little about yourself.
SPEAKER_02Uh so yeah, uh, my name is Andrew. I'm I live in Baltimore, Maryland. That's uh where I am born, where I grew up. Uh, and I work uh as a project coordinator for one of the hospital systems here in Baltimore. So yeah. Um live in the city, uh happy to be here, have a great family, uh parents, sister, etc. Single, uh, tell your friends. Um yeah, as uh as uh as uh Reese said, yeah, I'm uh been sober for we're we're going on uh two and a half years.
SPEAKER_00That is an accomplishment, sir. Do you ever wake up sometimes and sing good morning, Baltimore from hairspray? Because I feel like you kind of have to if we live in Baltimore.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, a little bit. Um I mean from when it when it first came out, yes.
SPEAKER_00Um, when it first came out.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it was it was a it was a big deal here. We were actually uh we were actually kind of uh upset when the movie came out because they filmed it in Toronto and they didn't film it in Baltimore, and everybody got pretty upset about it.
SPEAKER_00So Okay, I'm today years old knowing they did not film it in Baltimore.
SPEAKER_02Yep, the the original one they did, the John Waters one they did, the musical uh, you know, with with Travolta, they they did not.
SPEAKER_00I feel s I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed a little bit, right? I don't know how to do it. Imagine how they how they felt. I was gonna say, I don't even live in Baltimore and I feel betrayed. Oh goodness gracious. So what kind of punches has life given you that we want to talk about?
SPEAKER_02Well, I mean, I suppose that the the latest biggest one, right, was uh this whole sobriety and addiction thing, um, which really kind of threw me for a loop. Um, you know, I was never a uh drugdoer, to be quite honest, uh, because I had a lot of friends that did do that kind of stuff, and I saw what they were going through, and I'm talking about like in high school and college, and I had the good sense to stay away from that. Um but the alcohol very much snuck up on me, and it was a 20-year progression of that disease just taking me over. And uh, you know, those last couple of years, especially, especially the COVID years were really bad. Um it uh took away a bunch of the stuff that I really liked, um, including my uh all of my theater stuff. I'm a I'm a I I'm trained, I'm a trained actor. I've have my degree in theater, and uh it really, yeah, it uh I've I've done a lot uh here in Baltimore and it COVID really, really stole that. Um I bet. And so yeah, it was I mean, it was one of the first things to to leave.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02And then um, you know, it it isolated me more, it you know made me feel useless and helpless and hopeless and um that I wasn't good enough, and then uh it really really did take me um quite a bit to to find my way out of that. So luckily um after being 12-stepped a couple of times, uh, including a grinder date, by the way. Shut the fuck up.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Shut the fuck up.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, uh yeah. Uh so uh you know, yeah. I'll tell I'll tell that story. That's not a that's not a problem. It's pretty funny.
SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh, we are we're dying to know this story.
SPEAKER_02It's pretty yeah, it's it's pretty funny. Um I uh I you know I uh tapped, I think that's what Grinder is now. I tapped somebody on Grinder, um and this was in the summer of 2023. So by this time I was I had had two stints in the hospital with pancreatitis. Oh uh, I knew that my alcohol juice was killing me, like uh physically. Um and I had about three months on that drug Vivitrol, um, that curves curbs your uh your your cravings for alcohol and makes you really, really sick when you actually do drink. Yeah, it's um and I was super miserable on that stuff. Um, because it wasn't taking care of everything that was going on in here, right? Like all it did was stop, all it did was stop me from putting booze in my system, uh, and that wasn't the real problem. Right.
SPEAKER_00That's half that's half the battle. That's half the battle.
SPEAKER_02Exactly. Um that was kind of that's kind of the easy part once you get over it. Um but uh so by this time, by that, you know, July and August of 2023, um, I had picked back up again and I was I was drinking pretty heavily. Um and you know, I was trying to fill that spot in my life. I was like, if I find a dude, if I find a boyfriend, uh then maybe I'll be fixed. Like that's when I'm missing. Um having no idea that I had to work on myself or anything like that, right? Selfish, self-centered, alcoholic thinking. Um, basically trying to take a hostage so that they could fix me.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um and give me the love that yeah, yeah, give me the love that I was I was so desperately craving. Um, and I I tapped some guy, and he was he lived in my neighborhood, which never happens. It's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. Uh he was actually right up, he was within walking distance. So um, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god. Tea time. What? I said tea time. This is some tea, okay.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and he was a really nice guy, and we talked, and uh we we went on a date. Um, I did see in his profile that he did not drink. He was like, I am not a drinker, and I was like, whatever. Um, like not even thinking about it. Um, and so we went to a restaurant like right up the street from from the neighborhood here. Uh and you know, he uh I think he had an iced tea and I was gonna have a glass of wine. And the waitress is like, well, you know, we are running uh uh, you know, uh half-priced bottle Wednesday wine, and you're gonna have more than one glass anyway, right? And I was like, sure am. Uh so I had a bottle of wine, or yeah, I had a bottle of wine. Um and so uh we had dinner and it was really nice. I, you know, I I had you know, like two or three glasses of wine, and we decided to take it back to his place, and I brought, I came home real quick, got Yahtzee, grabbed a grabbed the game Yahtzee.
SPEAKER_00The game, oh my god.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, man. I love Yahtzee. I love playing Yahtzee. It's good stuff, and board games are a great, um, are I think are a great date thing. It's a great idea.
SPEAKER_00Get a game night going, some friends make it competitive. It's totally it's yes, we love it.
SPEAKER_02And you learn a lot about the other person playing a game with them.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_02Um, you know, just just how they are as a person, and there's good time for small talk and witty banter and etc. Um, so I grabbed, came home, grabbed Yahtzee. Uh, I also grabbed like two or three Jim Beam minis that uh, which was my favorite at the time. So I threw that in my bag too, and I went up there, and we basically had a good time. Um and so we saw each other a couple of times uh after that, but at one point, uh, you know, I kept we kept meeting at his place and I kept bringing these minis. Um and at one point he was like, You know that I'm sober, right? And I was like, Oh no, I just didn't think that you drank. And he was like, Yeah, I like I had a big problem and he he told me his story, um which I listened to, but I didn't hear, right? Like I didn't, I wasn't I wasn't comparing in the way I have learned to do now, right? You know, working my 12-step program.
SPEAKER_00Did he know you were bringing the gym beans over?
SPEAKER_02He I mean, I was trying to hide them as as I as I could, but it I eventually just didn't anymore. Yeah, and of course he could smell it, right? Like you can smell, I mean, you can smell that and you can taste it wink wink. Um and uh Jesus Christ. I'm just saying it, it's a grinder date, y'all. We're gonna grinder date, y'all.
SPEAKER_00This is what this is what we do. I call it grinder where gays gotta die at some point. This is where we're at.
SPEAKER_02It's it's pretty close. Yes. Um, and so he told me his story, and he was like, you know, if you think you need help, then I'm I can help you. I'm more than willing to help you. And I'm like, no, I got this. You know, I don't want to go to a 12, I don't want to do the 12-step program. You know, I kind of still lied about being on that medication, which didn't make any sense since I was drinking in front of him. Um, but I was kind of still like, no, no, I got this. Um and then maybe like two weeks later, uh, I made him zucchini bread from the zucchini that I grow out in my garden out back. And I know, baker too. So he's still single, tell your friends. Uh and so I baked him zucchini bread and I I brought it up to him um along with a uh uh a flyer for a play that I had just gotten into. And I said, um, you know, you should come, it'll be great. And he was kind of like, all right, well, listen, I'm coming up on my fifth year anniversary, and I don't think that me being around you is is going to work for me. Um I don't I I don't want to jeopardize my five years of sobriety. Um and I didn't take that personally, right? I was kind of I I I chopped that up again to well, this is just one of another thing that I I don't get to have slash that I'm giving up to do what I want.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02Um and it sucked. It it it really sucked. And you know, I felt bad about it, and I kept trying to, and of course he was like, we can still be friends. Um let me know if you ever need help, please reach out to me. And I kind of was just trying to get him to be my friend and not not do the other stuff like help me. Um and it just it it obviously didn't work out, and he like he never texted me back, and you know, eventually I did that show, um, and it was in September, October of 2023. And like I said, I'd been doing theater for quite some time by then, 20 some odd years.
SPEAKER_00What kind of theater show was it?
SPEAKER_02So it was a community theater. Uh it was called the show was called Outward Bound, and this show was it was written in 1923.
SPEAKER_01Whoa.
SPEAKER_02And this show was very Agatha Christie's slash like the Poseidon adventure. It was a bunch of people that were that were on a boat.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_02They have no idea how they got there or where they're going. Um, but spoiler alert, they're all dead and they're basically traveling on the river sticks to their kind of final destination, right?
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_02Um and it was a pretty profound show for me to be in in my active drinking. Um the the subject matter itself was was pretty heavy. I was one of the people that was not going to the good place. Um and, you know, just kind of a terrible, awful human being. Uh and it was a pretty big part. And for the first time in my acting career, um, I could not get my lines memorized. I could not focus on anything. It was one of these times where a bunch of my my nevers were getting crossed off like one after another. I'm I'm never going to drink before rehearsal. I'm never going to drink at rehearsal. I'm never going to drink before performance or after or during a performance or anything like that. And all of these things just started getting checked off. Um, and it was one of those demoralizing, you know, humiliation experiences, incomprehensible demoralizations that happens in an active addiction. Um and I couldn't, I had I had my lines written out for me like on stage. I had like a a portfolio that the character carried around with him. Um, and I had my lines written in it, and it was just it was just so embarrassing as as a person that has been doing this for such a long time. Um felt like I let a bunch of people down, you know, including my castmates and my director and myself and anybody that came to see the show. Um and it just kept snowballing after that, right? Like that that whole time, that whole winter was was really bad. And then um getting into January and February of 2024, I don't remember much of those months at all. Um, because I was just a 24-hour blackout drinker from then on. I was unemployed, I had nothing to do, I had nothing going on, and I was caught between that place where these people are on the boat. I had no idea where I was, how I got there, where I was going. Um but I was certainly headed towards death if I didn't do something redeeming.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02And um all of the all of this didn't occur to me when I was doing the I mean it did occur to me when I was doing the show, but I certainly didn't think, huh, this should be some sort of like God wink wake-up call that the universe is telling me something. Right? Like I didn't think about it. I you know, I was just I was just so worried about me and trying to get through this this thing um that I wasn't taking the hint. And uh so I was finally given an ultimatum uh by my parents, and they were basically like, you gotta you gotta do something or you're out. Because I live with my parents, which was you know, a de demoralizing thing in and of itself, uh, because by that time uh I was over 40, unemployed, living with my parents, a single gay dude, and the last thing I wanted to do was throw alcoholic on top of it.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02Um but that is the but admitting that and finally getting the help and being 12th step by a family friend of ours in March, March 5th, 2024, um I was able to finally surrender to that and to move forward in my recovery. Um and the you know, the last two years and uh five months now have been really great, and I still feel a little weird. Uh, you know, I still feel a little down on myself about you know still living with the parents and being over 40, but I'm employed now. I've been employed since life got sober. There you go.
SPEAKER_03Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_02It no longer, yeah, yeah. It no longer uh it no longer, you know, feels like a liability of living with my parents at this point because real estate is disgusting now. Um and there's no there's no way I can afford a place by myself right now. Um and since then I've done two other shows. I've gotten back in the theater, and both of those both of those shows went really well and really awesome, and I had a great time, and I felt like I was back in my element, and you know, I was getting my old self back, which is what I I really wanted, and not like the old drinking self, like not that.
SPEAKER_00Like this You wanted Andrew, you wanted Andrew.
SPEAKER_02I wanted Andrew back. I wanted I wanted that that that kid that you know loved theater, that who wanted to study it, who you know wanted to to be a part of it, was okay in being in a cast and not having to do everything all the time and you know just just feel a part of myself. Um that I was really, really missing. And that, you know, frankly, I'm good at. And I wasn't good at it when I was drinking. I I I just I just wasn't. I couldn't be relied on to do my part. And now I can and I'm I'm super happy about that. So yeah, um that that that grinder date put it in my brain. Uh and and when I got into when I first started going to meetings, um, I didn't even I didn't even think about that I was going to run into him right in the rooms. Like I didn't it didn't even occur to me.
SPEAKER_00I know right.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And uh I think I was about a month or six weeks in, and I was at dinner with a bunch of guys that invited me after one of the the gay meetings that we have here in Baltimore. Um, and Baltimore's a great place to get sober, man. Like this is a great city to get sober in. There's a lot of um, there's a lot of good sobriety, long-term sobriety here, a lot of meetings for you know, different walks, uh, a lot of really good gay meetings to go to.
SPEAKER_01Love that.
SPEAKER_02Um yeah, it's it's been really great. And as a person that really didn't have a lot of gay friends, um, this has given me a really nice community. And it's it's been it's been nice, yeah, yeah. So I was at dinner with these guys, uh, and one of them was on FaceTime with somebody, and they were like, hey everybody, say hi to say hi to blank, you know, say hi to Jay. And uh he started showing the phone around, and I was like a deer in headlights because I was like, oh my god.
SPEAKER_01Oh shit.
SPEAKER_02And so then I was like absolutely terrified um that I was eventually going to run into this guy. And eventually I did, you know, Baltimore's a small town, uh, gay Baltimore's smaller, and then gay drunk small Baltimore is even is even smaller. Is it?
SPEAKER_00I don't think Baltimore's that small. It is.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah. Oh yeah, everybody knows everybody. It's it's pretty if or you know somebody that knows somebody else. It's very we call it smalltimore for a reason. Like it's good to know.
SPEAKER_00I can't even say that Baltimore. Baltimore, yeah. Perfect.
SPEAKER_02So uh I think maybe two weeks later, I eventually did run into this guy at a meeting, and I was a little I was I was a little scared, I was a little embarrassed. Um, but he came right up to me and he hugged me and he said, I'm so glad you're here. And that was what I needed, right? Like he there was no judgment. There was no, there was no, I told you so. Um it was I'm really glad that you made it in here. Because frankly, it wasn't looking good. Like the odds were not looking in my favor at that point, um, when we parted ways. So uh and we're still friends to this day. We're still we've we've we're still super good friends. He's an amazing artist. Um, and yeah, he uh still lives in my neighborhood. I see him on a on an almost daily basis, so it's it's wonderful. So yeah, yeah. How about that?
SPEAKER_00That well yeah, that's a journey. That was a journey, man. And I definitely easily relate to like the sober part and someone being like, hey, you know, I'm sober, type of a deal. Um and I ended up missing that person, right? So I was like, oh, I'm sober, gotta cut back. And then I got to the point where he got an ultimate sort of like either stop it or a monitor, and then I went out of here. But sometimes it kind of gets to that point where anyone can be like, yeah, six ago. I remember even when I was telling my family that I was checking myself into rehab my siblings for like about damn time. Or like come on, like, it's it's about damn time. Uh like we've told you so much, like, I know, I know, and we think we're like a functioning alcoholic, right? We can go to work, we don't drink there, we only drink when we get home. No, that doesn't that's not how this works. Um, but you've got like a solid core group of people around you supporting you. Have you lost anyone throughout the process that's not so much in your corner who you thought you would be?
SPEAKER_02Um, like in the or uh no, actually, no. That's good.
SPEAKER_00That's good. We love it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, they've all been, everybody's been super supportive, uh, which surprised me at first because um I've got a I've got a core group of about five guys uh that I went to college with that I'm still we're still a nice core group. Um they all live out in Ohio and and Pennsylvania, um, straight guys, by the way. Uh and when I told them that we were talking, they were talking about going away for uh or meeting up for Memorial Day weekend of 23. And they were talking about, oh, we're gonna, you know, we gotta bring, you know, 30 packs and all this booze and blah blah blah blah blah. And I was about three months over at the time, so I said, I think I I think I need to let you guys in on a little secret here. And I sent them a picture of my three-month chip, uh, and I said, This is kind of what's been going on the last three months. Um, and they were all just so supportive, and you know, that's great. Congratulations. It felt a little weird when when when people were like, no, not you. That's no, I didn't even. That's right, that's I didn't even think. Like, people were like, Oh thank God, right? Like, yes.
SPEAKER_00There's so there's a couple people like, are you sure you have a drinking problem? I'm like, yeah, because the bottle you have in your hand would would have been finished in like 10 minutes if I was a whole of it. So yes, I'm pretty sure I got a problem. Exactly.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I didn't have that problem. People were like, oh thank God, right? Like so, yeah, so the support has been really, really, has been really great. Um, and from family and friends, obviously. Um, you know, my uh my relationship, I've got two nieces who I love very, very much. And luckily they're they're small enough where they don't they didn't realize what was happening at the time. Um so they're six and nine now. Uh so they were they were pretty, you know, pretty young um when I first got in here, but um they know I belong to a club. Uh and uh because sometimes, you know, like on Friday nights or or Saturday nights or whatever, especially during the summer, they're like, oh, you know, come you know, come to the pool with us or do this. And I'm like, no, no, I've got my club meeting. Like I need to go, I need to go to my club meeting. And they're like, Oh, okay. Um and I'll tell you a weird story. Uh my um, my youngest niece, uh, she's my goddaughter. Um and yeah, she's super adorable. And uh I I was I was at a meeting one night, and this guy mentioned um keeping his uh 24 hour chip in his pocket. And I was like, oh, I you know, and I'm like six or seven months sober at this point. I'm like, oh, I never got a 24-hour chip. Like I never I never got that. Um because by the time I came into the rooms, I think I was like a month in. So I never got a 24-hour one and I wasn't worried about it. I was like, uh, you know, it's just something.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, and then maybe like a week later, uh, my father brings my nieces back to our place because he watches them after school or during the summer or whatever. He's he's loves being a grandfather. Uh and so he came up, he he comes to me and he goes, Hey, you know, the youngest one found this chip, found this thing on the playground, and it looks like it may be part of you know, part of your your 12-step program. I looked at it and it was a 24-hour chip. Really? What? Yeah. And I was like, oh my gosh. And so she was like, Yeah, I found that. And and Papu said, you know, it might be part of your club. And I said, you know, it it is. And um, I said, Do you mind if I keep this? Because I want to see if I can find the person this belongs to. I said, because this is really special, yeah, and I want to make sure that I can find the person that this belongs to, knowing full well that I was never going to find who this belongs to.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_02Um, but I took that and I have that 24-hour chip that I walk around with me in my pocket. Um, but I went to a meeting. I went to a meeting like two days later, and I got another one so that I could give it back to her and give her one. And I was like, here, you, I said, you found this. I said, I couldn't find anybody that belonged to, so why don't you you know you keep it? And she's like, Oh, okay. And so, you know, she keeps that. But um, I definitely think it was, you know, again, one of those those higher power moments that I never would have paid attention to uh had I not been, you know, working this program as as much as I w am. So pretty cool, those kids. Pretty cool.
SPEAKER_00Right. We have a little visitor, it's his birthday, he won't get down, but um, okay, we're like fairly we're very similar more than I thought. Like when I told my I'm the only AI in my college buddy group, and they're all straight. So when I told them, one of they're like, oh my god, so great, so great. And one of them was like, dude, I saw you like a month ago. Did I cause you to get sober? I was like, no, dude, you did not cause me to get sober. That was like the perfect last whoop-in-up weekend. That I absolutely needed. Exactly. Um yeah, and you know, you just took a trip, but I know you and I were talking, you know, being at a bar by yourself for the first time. Like, how is that kind of that's a big thing. Like, I remember going into my first bar by myself. I was like, I don't want no one to like touch me with alcohol and have it spill on me. I want like none of that. So how is that for you?
SPEAKER_02It was it was much better this year, because this is my you know, this will be my third summer in sobriety. And so being at the beach, I went to I went to Rehoboth Beach, Delaware for 10 days by myself, um, which was great. I needed that. Um, because like I said, I I live with my parents, so I needed to get out. I'm not gonna lie, I went a little feral, um, but I needed to do that. I needed to let my freak frig freak flag fly for a little bit.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yes.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so so I I let that happen, uh, which I was which I was fine with. But um, I knew that I just I didn't come on vacation to just sit in my hotel room the entire time, right? Right. Um, so you know, I went out to dinner. I you know, I went to the beach, I went out to dinner, um, but it starts to roll around, you know, nine, nine, nine thirty, and I'm getting a little bored. And I've had my iced coffee for the evening, which I usually have, and then I got my ice cream. Coffee in the evening, which I need every night. Say again.
SPEAKER_00Coffee in the evening. How do you sleep?
SPEAKER_02Pretty well. Pretty, pretty well. It's only a little one. I only get like a small one, and it's iced coffee. So it waters itself down. So uh yeah, I don't go too hard, and I make sure that I have it, you know, early in the evening, around, you know, like seven or eight. Um, but I do, I like it. I like it, and it doesn't, it doesn't truly affect me um too late. Um, but you know, I made up my mind, uh, Rehoboth is a super gay friendly place. And so there's a lot of uh gay bars uh and clubs and things like that. Uh and I was determined to go out and have a good time. And the I got there on a Wednesday night and I kind of chilled out my first two nights there, my first uh, you know, Wednesday and Thursday. And then Friday was like, I'm gonna go, I'm going out. Like I people are usually down on the weekends, like I'm hitting, I'm hitting it. Uh, and there's a spot right up the street from where I was staying. So I I I walked up there and uh I was I was fine going in. Uh every, you know, it was it was a little crowded, it wasn't totally packed, which I would have preferred. I would have preferred it to be really, really busy so that I could just kind of disappear, right? Like I could have just disappeared into the crowd, right? And nobody would have been like noticing that I was by myself, right? Like just kind of just disappearing that way. Yeah. Um, I I would say it was maybe half half of that. Um, but I went up and I got my got my club soda and my lime. Uh and I kind of just yeah, yeah, I yeah, me too. Um and I kind of because it looks like a drink, right?
SPEAKER_00Like I it looks like a drink, exactly. Get yourself a sprite, some little lime in there, you're you're good to go. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It looks like a gin and tonic, nobody knows any, and nobody knows the difference. And um, yeah, I was I was all about it. And so I kind of putzed around for a little bit. Uh there's a it's a big outdoor space with a lot of tables, and then there's kind of an indoor space that has like the DJ and a dance floor that nobody was on at that point, because again, this is like 9 30, 10 o'clock. It wasn't it wasn't quite rocking just yet. Um and so like I kind of sat at a table by myself and I was on my phone, I was scrolling on my phone, um, and I kind of felt weird about it. And I kind of felt a little a little creepy, I guess, like because I just felt awkward, right? Like I wasn't yeah, and I wasn't I like to think of myself as an extroverted person. I like to think of myself as an outgoing, you know, talk to strangers type of person. Yes. Uh it turns out that that was like 95% alcohol. Um especially in adulthood, is like especially trying to like make friends with other gay men, which is really tough to do.
SPEAKER_00Um liquid courage. You gave me the liquid courage and talk to someone. Exactly. Exactly.
SPEAKER_02Um and so I felt a little awkward. Um, and I only had that that one club soda, and I think I was there for about a half an hour, and I was like, okay, I'm I'm kinda done. Like, I think I I think this experiment has failed. And so I walked back to my place, um, and I did text uh one of the guys, you know, that I'm close with here, and I was like, man, I felt I felt creepy and I felt weird. Um and it just, you know, I I I think I I I'm not sure if I did it correctly. I don't I don't know what I don't know what I was doing, right? Um and he was like, that's okay, like it's you're fine, you got plenty of time. Yeah. Uh he goes, make sure you hit up this this other place on Saturday night, though, because that's it'll be packed, it's a lot of dancing. Go and go and dance, you know, it's a bigger space, there's much more people there. You know, you'll you'll be able to kind of disappear into the crowd if that's like what you're looking to do in order to feel comfortable.
SPEAKER_00For sure.
SPEAKER_02Um, and I was like, okay, that that you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna do that. Uh and so all day Saturday I was kind of uh anxious about it. Um, but Saturday night rolled around. Um I texted him and I said, I'm doing it, I'm walking up, you know, I'm I'm I'm gonna go to this place. Uh and I did. And I got in there and it was still kind of early because I didn't know how long it was gonna take me to walk up there. Um I should know better from my uh my going out experience that you know places don't pick up until 10:30, 11 o'clock, right? Um, but I'm old and sound bedtime.
SPEAKER_00That is bedtime.
SPEAKER_02Right, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, I'm usually done by this point, man.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02Uh so I went up, uh, you know, got my club soda. They had a smoking section, so I was like, oh sweet, like I can go and like hang out like with the smokers. Like that's that's awesome. Um so I did. And you know, eventually the place filled up. Eventually I met a a a bunch of people and had a really nice time. Um, you know, nobody could tell that I wasn't drinking because they were all doing their thing, uh, which was interesting to watch. It was it was really interesting to watch the the intoxicate intoxication level go up uh on other people.
SPEAKER_00Isn't it great?
SPEAKER_02And then like in the in the uh the space just in general, and I'm like, oh, this is starting to get a little wacky in here. Like this is this is the time.
SPEAKER_00Like, I see we're we're getting to that point. Like, this is great. Keep it going.
SPEAKER_02I was like, oh, this is this is a new and interesting experience here. Um so I, you know, I had a good time. I danced. Uh like I said, I talked to some people. Um I I really wasn't interested in like taking anybody home or going home with anybody at that point. Um but uh I did get some numbers, which is fine.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Uh you know, and um then I uh I think it was I think I walked home around you know midnight or 1230. Uh and I was uh and I was in bed and it was it was fine. Um and I had a really good time. And I and and for the rest of the week after that, I felt a lot more empowered. I felt a lot more in control, I didn't feel as awkward, I I didn't feel I you know I I I didn't feel like I was in the wrong place.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02Um so I I felt a lot better about doing what I was supposed to be doing um and doing and and being in those spaces and being comfortable being there, which I've had a I've had a tough struggle doing that because I want to go and I want to talk to people, I want to meet guys. Um, and it's just tough to be in an environment where the booze is flowing, and that is my one thing. And you know, I'm not gonna lie, that Friday night, um, you know, I had that alcoholic thought of not that I wanted a drink, not that I I I not that I wanted to drink, right? But my alcoholic brain was going, you know it would be easier if you if you had a drink or two. It would be easier to talk to guys, it would be easier to do this.
SPEAKER_00It would, it would.
SPEAKER_02But but and I have to keep listening to that but because I know I have the receipts, man. I can play the tape back. I know I know it's not gonna be one or two drinks, and I know it's not gonna be me all cute sit sipping on a gin and tonic by the end of the night. Like it's gonna be throwing shots back, it's gonna be, you know, it's gonna be I'm gonna be a mess. I'm gonna be a complete disaster. Right. And I don't I don't know what is going to happen after that. If I put and if I put alcohol into my system, I don't know what's going to happen after that. Um, I know I'm gonna drink more. Um, and frankly, the worst thing that could happen is that nothing would happen, right? Is that I would have those three and four drinks get uh get a little buzzed or drunk, nothing would happen. I would go home, I would wake up, and I would be like, huh, maybe I'm not, right? Like maybe I have this under control. Maybe I can drink like a normal person. Um, and I know, I know that that's not true. I know that that is a big old lie um that I was able to really be honest about with myself in early sobriety. Because I'd done that research. Yeah, I I'd done that. Um and it never worked out. It just got worse and worse and worse until I ended up in the hospital. Um and that kind of stuff, you know, I don't I know I know that there, you know, is a is a relapse that could happen. I know that that could happen. I just don't know if I have another recovery in me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And that scares me. Right. My that that fear of not being able to come back because of whatever, because it it either took me, you know, or I got into some horrible accident, or my ego and my pride was wasn't gonna let me do it. There's a whole myriad of reasons why people don't come back. Um and I'm I'm scared that that is what would happen. And so it's best not to play around with that kind of crap. It's exactly for me, it's best for me to just leave it alone from now on. So so yeah, uh, all in all, it was a great trip. Um, I got over a few of my other kind of bugaboos about stuff. Um and uh yeah, it was great, and uh I'm I'm looking forward to to next summer because I'm such a beach person. I I I love being near the water and at the beach, so love that.
SPEAKER_00Definitely have some follow-ups, but the first one, like right when you said like you got the receipts, like the fur do you watch the real house size of Salt Lake City? No, I don't. Okay, well, one of them goes, I've got receipts proof. Timelines, screenshots, I got everything. So that immediately was my thought. Um, but you know, kind of like seven years in too on my side, uh, you'll those thoughts of I could have one and see what happens. I'm seven years in. Like, still get them all the time. They're they don't go away. But it's what saying no shows how resilient and how strong you are in your sobriety to where you know it's going to be a recipe for disaster. So you say no. And the fact that you've got that power to say no is admirable and resilient in itself. Like we us addicts, we love to take the we love to take the easy way out. That's why we became a lot about a lot of us became alcoholics. And it's not easy to say no. And it's you said it perfectly to you know kind of wrap it up here, is you know, you don't you don't know if you got another hospital visit in you? I don't know if I got another hospital visit or another, you know, this, that, and the other, you know. John Doe from Michigan doesn't know if they have it, so I feel like that really is gonna hit home for people. If that was aside from, you know, everything you said, like what's one thing you would tell somebody who's just wanting to get sober?
SPEAKER_02I would tell them that they're not they're not, they're they're giving up one thing to get everything back. They're they're giving up this one thing that I know feels I know it feels so important and it feels like a lifeline, and I know that you feel like you can't live without it, um, but you can and you can live a big a better life without it. Um because I gave up everything for that one thing, like I said, I was I was get and and people say, you know, alcohol took this from me, drugs took this from me. I willingly gave all of that stuff to my my alcohol addiction. I was like, here, I don't care about this anymore. All I want to do is drink. And that was that's a lie. That's such a lie. Um, because I did care, but I cared about getting drunk more. Um, and that's not the way it is today. I've given up that that one thing and found such a much better way of life where I can enjoy everything and I don't have to worry about that anymore. I don't have to worry about making an ass of myself or hurting myself or stealing peace of mind from my family and friends anymore.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um and I think that goes a long way. So, you know, early sobriety is tough, man. I it's so much easier. It's so much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. I don't want to go through that first week ever again. That first week of sobriety was awful, but I got through it. Yeah, I got through it. Um and I'm so much I'm so much better for it. My my brain is better for it. I'm in the best shape of my life that I've been in. Um I know at 43. It's crazy.
SPEAKER_00Not the hair flat.
SPEAKER_02I'm just uh and uh but um I just I I would I would say you're you're doing you're you're doing sobriety for all the right reasons. Right. And we you've there's plenty of support for you. Plenty. So reach out and do it. And people are people are more than we've got to give it away to keep it, right? Like that's if I can help another person in addiction, that helps me. And if I can keep doing that and keep passing it along the way it was freely given to me, then I'm I'm so happy to do that.
SPEAKER_01I loved everything about that.
SPEAKER_00I think that was the perfect, perfect wrap-up for this amazing episode. Unless there's we could you and I could probably talk for like five hours. Most definitely. We we could, we could, but no, I want to thank you. That was one very powerful, you know, story and episode that we just had. Um, so much appreciated, of course. And everyone out there, we really hope that you guys enjoyed, you know, Andrew's story. I know I did, so I'm sure you know the rest of you will. If you want, go ahead and subscribe in the link in our description and on Apple Podcasts. And us alcoholics, we love coffee. That's like our new thing. It's like we replace it with iced coffee, not before bed, which is still a thing. I like mine in the morning. Uh but if you feel like supporting the podcast on the podcast page, there is a buy me a coffee button and it will be greatly appreciated in drink within probably 10 minutes. So, if also if you would like to ever be a guest on the show, please leave a comment and I will reach right back out. Thank you guys for tuning in to Can't Catch a Break.
SPEAKER_02Thanks, guys.
SPEAKER_00Of course, thank you.