Don't Give up on Yourself

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome to Can't Catch a Break. I'm your host, Reese, and I am joined today with a very good long friend of mine, Zach, all the way from Austin, Texas. What's up, buddy?

SPEAKER_00 0:15

What up?

SPEAKER_02 0:16

It's been like 2020, 2021?

SPEAKER_01 0:20

I think 2020, yeah. 2020, yeah. So we met on Zoom initially because it was Oh my god, yes.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

AA meetings were on Zoom at that time. That's totally right. They say if you're friends with someone for seven years, you're stuck with them for life. So we got one more, bro. We got one more. We're already there. Um yeah, all right, let's just get right to it. You know, a lot has happened, right? So tell me, you know, what punches have been coming your way.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

Uh well, so you know, when when we met, I was I was your sponsor.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Right, yeah. And uh you got me through some shit. You got me through some sober.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

I got you through some shit, and uh I forget how much time sober I would have had at the time, but it was it was over a decade of continuous sobriety. And uh at the moment I have got somewhere between 30 and 40 days sober.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Um the last year has been, yeah, thanks, yeah, and I don't say that to like put myself down because I don't see it that way. Right. But it is that is that is the punch that's come. Um that's that has been the the struggle of my life, honestly, for the past year and a half. Um I had to get honest with myself and realize, you know, initially when I I had this relapse, it was like uh somewhere between three and four weeks. Um and it wasn't the first relapse that I've had in the last like nine months, but it was the first time that I've ever just sort of like let myself, I was just like, I'm not even gonna make myself feel bad about this. I'm literally just gonna do exactly what I want to do.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Um zero fux mentality.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

Zero fux mentality. 1 million percent zero fucks mentality. Um but as I've gotten sober again after that, you know, the zero fucks relapse, I uh have been piecing things back together to kind of figure out like what's caused this, like where did this come from? Because at the time when I relapsed initially, I had 15 years of so of sobriety. Yeah. I was had never taken a legal drink of alcohol. I got sober when I was 20. Um, so you know there was a lot to look back at, and I realized that my relapse actually happened about nine months earlier than I thought it did. Um, it it happened um in January of 2025 when I started misusing a medication that I was prescribed, and um didn't think of it much at the time, but I knew like, hey, this is not the way it's prescribed to me, and it definitely is a mood-altering substance, but I just kept kept on at it, and I kept going to meetings and everything. But anyways, yeah, the last uh once the fuck it relapses started happening, yeah, uh, which was nine months, was in October of 2025. I have uh almost dropped out of school. I'm in nursing school, you know, as you know, uh I've almost dropped out of school, I've ended up in the hospital twice, yeah. I've had paramedics and sheriff officers in my house, uh you name it, you name it. It's happened. Yeah, it's been scary.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

Totally, man. And you kind of like nail it on the head with the medicine. Like people don't think about like misuse of medicine as you know, relapses or anything like that. But then like you said, when you look back on it Yeah, probably, you know, a little bit. So that's like actually something good that you acknowledge for sure. Um yeah, it's scary time, man.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

For sure. It kind of reminds me of there's a part in the uh in like the AA book where they're talking about there's they're telling a story about a car salesman who like went to a sandwich shop and ordered a milk and was like, you know what? Pour some whiskey in my milk, which is insane. But the guy when he did it, he was like, it's diluted, it's not gonna be that big a deal, and in the back of his head, there was a thought of like, you know, I'm probably not being too smart when I do this. And uh that was how I felt about the medication relapse. There wasn't like a huge red flag that went off, there was just a hey bud, maybe maybe don't take, maybe don't take it tonight. You don't really feel like you need it.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

But I would do it anyways, and when I was doing it, you would do it anyways, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

That's maybe something I should look at a little closer, but I never wanted to because I was enjoying myself.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

What was that?

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Cetamine.

SPEAKER_02 5:12

Ah, yes.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Yeah. Yeah, I had a home prescription. You know, I had treatment resistant depression for years. Right. Tried a dozen different medications, and nothing really worked. I did exercise, like you name it. I did transcranial magnetic simulation where they zapped your brain.

SPEAKER_02 5:28

Like, you did everything.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

I did everything, and then they finally were like, look, you've been saying no to ketamine, you should try it. And it and it actually worked. And I'll give ketamine as flowers. I went to a clinic and uh You did it properly. I did it properly initially, and then my psych was like, Well, if it's working that well, just give you a home prescription for it. Um, and that was where I went wrong. And I was actually okay with it for about a year and a half, but I was no longer depressed after about three months with it. So I, you know, had it for we'll call it a year too long. And then that's it became problematic.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Yeah. But that happens, it's like, alright, I only got a three-month prescription, that's you know, great, but I could probably keep going if I wanted to. I mean, with like all that going on in like I've been in the same rooms with you in Texas, like who's been in your corner helping you out? Have people been like deuces? Have people been like pick up the phone and call me?

SPEAKER_01 6:30

The way that my friends in Texas specifically, I mean everybody, everybody was concerned about me. Um, that I've been that that knew me well. Um I didn't really have anybody say like, hey, I need space. No, no one has done that to me. Right. Um even with the now I've had four like distinct sobriety days since October of last year. Even even with those relapses, the people that I've known for over a decade have really had my back. Um there were definitely a couple of people who gave me tougher love than others, and I you know, everybody was all the support that I got was necessary in the way that I got it, but I have kind of the most respect for the tough love people because that's the way that I did it. So when people were doing it to me, I was like, ah, this is how it feels like I don't know, I just I like it. I appreciate it. Yes, big lux. I'm like, oh no, for you. I was like, stop.

SPEAKER_02 7:34

That's literally what happened.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

I did have to I've had to remove some friend, a friend group from my life. Um, and that was the the friend group that was they weren't in recovery, and uh it was like my normal, just like gay gaggle going out to the bars friend group that knew I was sober and were respectful of it, but they uh um their lifestyle just wasn't conducive to early recovery, you know. They're people they do nose drugs and like to stay out super late. Just like it was really, really fun for a little bit to feel a part of that connection, but now I realize like wishing that I could be fully integrated into that group and do everything that they were doing was half the reason that the relapse happened.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

And um whenever I would want to hang out with them, apparently I didn't really know this at the time, but they would have to like make special exceptions for me, be like, okay, well, Zach's gonna come tonight, so we can't be doing coke in front of Zach and yada yada. And it was like that's I just don't want to be a part of somebody that a group that treats me that differently or needs feels the need to feels the need, right. I don't know what they're doing that much. So anyway, that's those that's the only group that I've lost.

unknown 9:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

And I really don't I don't miss them that much, which is sad to say, but it's true.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

I was gonna say if I didn't have too much filler on my face, my shrink would like go up. Uh I mean, but like I have I've had that turn I'm sure a lot of people who are gonna watch this episode has had the similar situation where it's like the sober guy and a group of guy or girl friends for sure. And I mean you know that right on the head. He wants to like I don't want to make someone make exceptions for me. That's like making me feel worse than oh, hey, thank you so much for doing that. I appreciate it. No, that's me if you're like, fuck man. I will go be in bed by 10 and I will be happy as a clamp. Like, I don't have to be here, type of ideal.

SPEAKER_01 9:57

It was nice that they wanted to include me. And that and I I'll get it.

SPEAKER_02 10:01

And that's what you like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

Like I said, they're they're not at they're not bad people. Um they wanted they wanted to include me, but there was still this sense of separateness that that I brought to that group that, you know, 85% of them didn't really think much about, but there were a few who I could tell would kind of be like, oh God, like I gotta go sneak off to the bathroom for 10 minutes. You know, just like that kind of stuff. And it was it was obvious that it was happening. I'm not dumb. Obviously, I am a drug addict myself. I'm doing I could do it better than any of them, probably. Um, but uh yeah, that's the only group that I lost. Um, and if anything, it's brought me closer to most of the people that really, really matter. Um, like I I had not really been all that involved in recovery for about five years. Um I was sober but not active. And now I'm now I'm back in it, and there are certainly some people who I, you know, there's some characters in an AA meeting, no matter where you go, even in the best.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

Literally, no matter where you go.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

No matter where you go, we're not we're not guns. But the, you know, the people who I've always felt a deep connection with, uh, if anything, my connection with them is even deeper now. Which I wonder if you relate with that, having moved to a new city and having health issues, um, did that help you get closer to the people in in the rooms in Chicago?

SPEAKER_02 11:33

It did. Um not so much like rooms here, but like elsewhere. Like um like when I posted about my like medical stuff, like you reached out and vice versa when I saw like what was going on with you and stuff, and then people from like California rooms that I have not talked to and I could not tell you how long, like reached out, they're like, Oh my god, we saw this, are you okay? Like all this different stuff, and you kind of you don't really like think about it. And honestly, if I forgot like who they were essentially, but then you kind of then see that like yes, every state's got their AA rooms, what we call it, right? But people even from other like other states can reach out to you that you've met along the way that you know want to make sure you're succeeding, whether you've talked to them long enough or not. Um and that's like one of the coolest things. It's everywhere you go, like y'all, I have moved from California to Texas to Colorado to Chicago. We are like a nomad. We are all over the place, and everywhere that every like place that I've gone, I will still have people from other states like still reach out and check and check. And then it's nice to like even you, like recommending like your buddy um out here. Like you knew someone in the city who I didn't, and it was like, hey, go meet this guy. So that's just like how strong this all is, and that's like one of the coolest parts about it. Um yeah, I love that. He is very nice.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

I think that that just kind of speaks to adult connection, to adult, like true adult friendships in general. Yeah. I've noticed maybe it's just uh straight people out there, let us know this is how it works with your friendships too. But gays are a transient bunch. Gays are a transient bunch of people. So like I'll make a really deep connection with somebody in a city that I'm living in at the time, and then one of us moves, and if it was uh a true friendship, they stay my friend. They just really far away. Like I have my group in Austin, and it's small, it's like five core, core, core people, you know. Um, but I've got friends back home in Atlanta where I'm from, in Kentucky, and Portland, and Chicago, obviously, and Los Angeles and the Bay Area. Like, they're just all over the place. Right. New York, and it doesn't mean that they mean any less than they would if they were in person, if anything, that the connections that I feel with them matter more than 90% of the people that I know in Austin.

SPEAKER_02 14:20

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

But they're just not within arm's reach.

SPEAKER_02 14:25

Right. Um, what's the phrase I'm looking for? It's quantity over quality, basically, when it comes to like we're all reverse. Reverse, I had that wrong. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

Quality over quantity.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

I know some people that have the qu the quantity over all. I don't know what they goddamn it. Um but like we're all as fuck, man. Like, yeah, we want like our close knit, and I read. Oh my god, it's going to bug me. I'm pretty sure.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

Hang on a second. Old as fuck, who are you calling old as fuck? It might be bald, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

I'm 35 with a knee brace on and an ankle brace, alright? So we're falling apart. I think it was Robert Downey Jr., because I obviously follow him. Iron Man, obviously. And I think he posted something the other day to where it was like um be successful, you'll see who your friends are. Be at the lowest point of your life, you'll find out who your real friends are. And I think that like hits hard for a lot of people. Especially like with you, like what you're going through, with whatever viewer is watching this right now, like they have gone through and are probably can relate. Me with you know, my medical stuff and having to quit this, do that, it's you know, like kind of you just find out who your real friends are when you're going through like the toughest part of your life.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

And that's like that's something I hope you know everyone gets or take not gets away from. Takes I cannot talk today. Takes away from this episode. Um you know, and with kind of all that, like you punch back, right? You said, fuck you, life, like I'm gonna get back on track and you did, but I'm sure it was not easy at first.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

It was I was running scared there for a while, especially after this. The last relapse ended with uh I I thought I I had a mo I had an episode where I genuinely thought that I was dying. I thought I was actively dying, and I was in my I live alone in a house, um, so I I could scream and nobody would hear me. Um I couldn't really scream because I anyways, it was a very scary experience. Um so I I called the the the paramedics on myself, which when you call and say, hey, I've done a bunch of XYZ drugs uh and I've been drinking alcohol all day uh and I think I'm dying. They don't just send the paramedics, they send cops too. So there were cops and ambulances in front of my house, and oh my god, it was a mess. Um so I came back to recovery like yikes! Real freaked out. So it was actually for me, it was easier the first like three weeks to like set my ego aside and be like, I gotta let everybody know what's going on. Everybody needs to know what is going on with me that matters to me in my life. Um when it starts to get harder for me is when things are level again and nobody's as concerned. You know, the average person sees me get a month sober, two months, 90 days sober, and they're like, oh, he's back on track, he's doing great. But really, that's when the voices start getting loud again because I'm not as scared anymore.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

A hundred percent.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

I haven't made it to six months sober in a year and a half, and I've tried. Right close, but I can't I can't make it happen. So, you know, I'm still in that phase where it's scary, but I can tell that the work that I do right this moment, today, is absolutely going to snowball into whether or not I relapse again or whether or not I stay sober again. You know.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

Damn right, the work you're doing, dude, you're gonna stay sober, and I'm gonna make sure that that's I am leaving as soon as we're done with this.

SPEAKER_01 18:39

I am leaving to go meet with my sponsor, and that is not planned that that that it was when I'm worked on his schedule for it. Yeah. Um, so my uh something that I've started doing that has been really, really, really helpful for me is I I look at uh like what are the most successful people in my life? What what are they what do they do on a daily basis? And it they each have kind of their own routine that it's unique to them, but they have a routine, things that they do on a regular basis. So I've implemented one uh for myself that has been really easy for my ADHD brain to follow. Um it's not doing the same thing at the same time every single day because that sounds not fun for me. Um but I have five things that I have to do, and uh I will list them. Um one of them is I have to do something productive, preferably in the morning. Clean the floors, do the dishes, yada yada, you know, something along to wash the laundry, something productive around the house. Um the next one is I have to do something spiritual, which is for me praying, meditating, I've even I've even gone to church since I've been so crazy. I'm not a Christian, but like I was just curious.

SPEAKER_02 19:56

Whoa.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

And then um the last one is something that I cannot remember. Oh, something something uh in regard to making money. So like work, you know, I flip cars, um, I have to do something along those lines.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

Right. Um I love everything about those, and I'm probably gonna need to take probably four out of five. Maybe th maybe five out of five. No, I like you got your Regina. I'm you and I are very similar where it's like I cannot do the same thing every single day because I will want to rip the little hair that I have left on my head out.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

I already did.

SPEAKER_02 21:00

You already did. So yeah, there's half the battle. Like and yeah, I think that's an odd like I truthfully am going to give that a try. Something different every morning, whether like, because right now I do school in the morning, but that is like something I can always move around and try something different every morning, whether it's notes or just like watching a lecture instead. Like anyone can do something different, right? Um, like, how's er before we get to my last question? How is like the sponsor journey going? Especially early on with you know recovery.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Finding a sponsor, a good sponsor, is a lot like dating. Um similar to finding a therapist. Um and I'm really lucky that when I first moved, I first moved to Austin, I switched sponsors several times. That was in 2016. By 2017, I knew I knew who I wanted to be my sponsor. He has been my sponsor pretty much ever since. However, when I had my first like true fuck it relapse um in October of last year, he told me that I needed to go work the steps with somebody else. Granted, we'd been working together for like eight or nine years by that point, so it was like for the best. The second relapse that happened, the third relapse that happened, I didn't, I would come back scared for a month and then vanish again. I'd come back scared for a week and then vanish again. Yeah. So when I came back this last time, I came up to my sponsor who I'd had since 2017, and I was like, can we please work the steps again together?

SPEAKER_02 22:47

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:48

And we are. And instead of treating them like a checklist that I need to rush through this time, I I if I don't feel like I've grasped what I what I want to, what I need to out of a specific step, I'm letting them know like today we're going back over step seven for the second time now. Because I, you know, and that doesn't mean that I'm not going to cover eight as well, but we're definitely not just going to keep it pushing on to eight. Um I feel like I still have questions about seven right now.

SPEAKER_02 23:18

Yeah. Get all step eight, man.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Yeah. I haven't had to do like a proper amends, or I haven't made myself do one. It's been a long time, and I probably owe a few people some amends. We'll see how that works out.

SPEAKER_02 23:39

We'll see, we'll see how that one goes. Um the last little thing that I always like to end with is if someone was in your shoes or anything like that, or came to you, oh, is this Thor? Senator Thor? Oh my god, Senator No, Thor Thor absolutely can't. Oh, he's done it a bunch of times, Thor absolutely can't. Um what would you tell someone like that's in your shoes? Kind of looking back on it. Or what advice would you give somebody else that's early on?

SPEAKER_01 24:22

That's a great question. He's on the he's on the kitchen table now. Whatever, I'll deal with it later. Um he so I thought about this question um a little bit because I knew it was coming. And there's two of them. I have two answers. Um the first one is that I would hope that nobody would just give would give up on themselves. You know, um, I know I I have a really I had a unique childhood in that my parents were uh cat hair in my face. Um my parents did a pretty good job of bolstering my self-confidence when I was a kid, which is so crazy that alcoholism is so powerful that it still found a way to destroy the work that they've done. So maybe it comes easier to me than to others, and if that's the case, you know, I'm sorry. Um but I uh throughout all of these relapses, there was never a moment where I was like, I'm I'm not gonna stop trying. And that was what made the last relapse so scary, was that it was I always kind of thought that I was gonna make it back, and that there was not gonna be that, you know, that I wasn't gonna lose myself to my addiction, and then I realized like you might die first. You might not, you might, even though you think you can make it back, your body might have, you know, you might have a physiological reaction to what you're doing that prevents you. So, anyways, don't give up on yourself. And the second one is that once you've not given up on yourself and you show back up and you start doing work, it's for me personally, it's been really easy to let my ego get in the way. Like the fact that I shared about how much time I had sober before my relapses in every fucking meeting for the first two weeks that I got back was irritating even me. I was irritating myself. Finally, this old tiger came up to me and she was like, you need to pretend like, like, sure, you had all these experiences and you don't forget that those experiences happened and they shaped you and whatever, but right now you should probably pretend like you're brand new and you don't really know much and you're just fresh. And um I so basically I had to, and that's been helpful. So I've had to set my ego aside so that I don't end up hurting myself in a bigger way, you know, and it feels uncomfortable to set that ego aside and to you know have a little slice of humble pie. But sometimes to save your ass, you have to do that. You have to, you have to do that.

SPEAKER_02 26:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:53

So those are the two things. The biggest my biggest takeaways and the things that I would want people to to leave this episode with is to no matter what's going on, don't do not just throw in the towel and say and say, fuck it, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna, I guess this is just what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life. And also, when you decide to not throw in the towel, come back and say, hey, I'm gonna be honest, just be honest with the people around you, even if it feels uncomfortable. So yeah, those are my two things.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

I think those are absolutely perfect. I'm as or like one of your longest words, I'm very happy. I'm trying not to cry with stuff that has happened, but yeah, we're gonna end it on a high note. So thank you, Zach. Thank you, viewers. Please subscribe with the subscribe button at the bottom. And you can find this episode on the website, can't catch a breakpodcast.com, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube. And if you're ever wanting to be a guest, you can slide into my DMs and we'll go from there.

SPEAKER_01 28:02

Slide into those DMs, baby.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

Slide into them DMs, alright.